well, i'll speak truthfully.  I'm wedding crazy.  Not just for my friend, but i want a wedding.  Now, i haven't picked my groom, but i'm thinking about dresses, cakes, colors, and songs... i know.  i'm sooo gay!  but i can't help it.  everywhere i turn, there's something about a wedding.  Who's wedding is it anyway?  ever watch that show... i love it.  there's a bridal dress shop where i work, and those damn love songs on the radio when you're driving home alone. well, my time will come, but i'm hoping not too soon.  but when it does happen, i want everything to be planned out to a T.  right, enough about that.

I'm going back to the main land pretty soon.  I can't wait to go, there are soo many things i'm looking forward to, for example- Crystal's wedding, seeing anthony, visiting marg, granny cooked meals... and maybe if my friendlies from long island want to come hang out with me before school starts, PLEASE!  i won't beg much more, but think about it.  i doubt if anyone really reads these things, i don't if begging really helps. 

oh ps- souveniers anyone?  we'll see.

I came up with a poem, it took me about 20 minutes to write.  I was thinking about my friend, and this is what happened.  I dunno, it just flowed tonight... and, um, if it's stupid, don't tell me.  cuz that will just hurt my feelings.

Going through life in just a motion
showing he has no real emotion.
things he say are not real
joy and pain he can not feel.
He says it, but can't understand
the things of morals which he demands.
Respect is lost for he has none
tangled in the web that's spun
with lies of feelings and "true love".
things he tells you he knows not of.
For him he's going through the motion.

Dangerous, dangerous games he plays
i have seen this life's ways.
and no good is just the notion
evil evil like poisonous potion.
only half a life to live, and half a heart
it never wants to give, but can never part.
This i know because this was me
and everything i used to be.
I did not know that yesterday,
but severly i did have to pay.
because i was just going through the motion.

So now i see it in that one
nothing can change what is done.
This will be the worst for him
Because now he knows, and its sink or swim.
and when he swims, you're left behind,
only in body but not in his mind.
Because you have changed all his life,
cutting it with shames pointy knife.
THAT, he will remember and carry along,
Stuck in his head like a sad old song.
But now, he won't just go through the motion.

So today i feel like poo.  Man oh man, this allergy stuff really gets to me.  I feel like my head is being smashed by mountain goats.  I'm a freaking ram, with a brain tumor or something.  But maybe that's why it's put me in an awful mood.  Lately, i feel like the ones i thought were the closest are nothing but big fat stupid heads, that i hate to trust but still do, because i want to.  Dammit, and i know it shouldn't bother me like it does, i get way too upset about things that are soo... trivial.  Ugh, and the surprising part of this, i've found people that i didn't think would be as helpful as they are. 

I want to say that hypocricy should be an illness and eventually it should kill you like AIDS (literally). 

Yah, maybe i'm taking this too personal, maybe i'm over reacting, but to me it seems perfectly normal to want to get rid of something that sucks.  Why?  why does it even bother me like this?  ugh!  It's so frustrating i guess.  OH, and i know You're reading this, Banana Tree, i don't mean to take things out on you, but give me time and i'd calm down and won't hurt you.  Swear.  Well, i wanted to write more, but i can't even think straight with this goat of a head ache.  BLAH

just some things i found in my journal that i thought wouldn't be too bad if ppl read these.  nothing awesome, but meh..

you started my summer of so far away, i remember being so excited about our new fling.  I'd stay up late at night thinking of you and what we could do.  but with those thoughts, he'd come back and ruin my fairy tale.  i'd become torn between past and future.  Who knew my present would catch a glimpse of the past?  that week felt so wrong, but temptation was easy.  the churning and tears, losses and fears ripple forth.  New waves of confusion.  Why couldn't I fight it off?  I did earlier at the beach with that kid.  I lost it.
Later I walk away without looking at the past.  So hard to control my tears.  I've cried so much over one thing.  I hate that i get caught up on it.  It ruins this new.  But i can't wash it away.

My eyes become dark with confusion. 
It's back, It hurts, with no solution.
Fists clenched tight, i'm ready for it.
I can't do much, so i'll sit.

I thought i had gotten rid of you
I thought I'd get something new.
But somehow you find your way
Miserable me, here to stay.

Left you sitting on your car, please no more
Left you in the hot summer night, I am torn
Massive sighs burst out, someday i'll escape.

That's it,  i know, it's kind of creepy or sad or whatever.  just some thoughts between january and march... but not about that time in particular... okay real wierd i know.  what can YOU do?